New Year Tears

Feeling really blue and "deja vu" today. After making it through Christmas on some left over pain killers from my surgery in February (did sinus surgery) today it really hit me big times.

It's happening all over again. Here I am, new city, new outlook on life, new opportunities around the corner, still here I am stairing at the ceiling trying to cope with pain, alone, while my husband and beautiful children are out on a family day out of fun.

Without me.

It was such a reality check I just lay there crying, wondering in how many bedrooms this has repeated itself. I HATE missing out, I cannot begin to tell you how it wears you out not being able to be with your children, not being able to do fun things together, always have to tell them, no sorry mummy can't, mummy is not well.

So I have emailed my new GP on holiday to see if he knows any good speicalist I could turn to on New Year's Eve, because I have to find someone tomorrow. I definitely have a cyst again, I shouldn't complain, the risk of it being life threatening is minimal, but sometimes I wonder. Is it so bad to live a healthy life only to drop dead all of a sudden, rather than not being able to live your life year in and year out because you are not all rather well? Every year lost is a year of your children's childhood lost. It is a very painful realization.

With the pain and the realization comes the thoughts. What are we doing here? Why are we not together ever day? What have I done? If we would have stayed, C would have gone to a familiar school, where they don't wear shorts. *I know it's propbably pathetic, but it feels unbearable big and ..just to much at the moment*.

To have O here every day have made me loose my guard and I am really afraid of putting it up again.

I don't want to start a new year, I want to hide.

PS. Not me in picture above, my eyes are all red a swollen, but I thought my depressing text was sort of enough..besides the beauty of internet is that you can project a certain image of yourself, so anyone out there who don't know what I look like all red-eyed from one day of sobbing, feel free to believe this is how graceful I look in my worst of moments..