Saturday, 25 October 2008
Show and Tell: If I could travel in time, I would..
Funnily enough, I have been thinking about telling you about his. I did sort of go back in time a while ago.
I'll start by letting you know about me and my mother. My mother had quite a hard childhood. that, I have understood during the past years, have put it's mark on our relationship. She had a particularly bad relationship with her mother and that sort of spilled out into hers and mine.
Anyway, when I turned 30, I put my foot down, letting her know that from now on, I was not a garbage bin, in which she could throw all her horrible feelings and experiences. I was neither an emotional punch bag for all bad things other people had made her endure. This didn't exactly go down with a treat and the years after that was a bit rocky, but I tried to stay firm, letting her know that with my children in the picture, I really expected some respect from her.
2 years ago she called me. On her own birthday, she called me, crying at 10.30am. It was as if she couldn't bear the thought of noone calling her. We had a great talk, she told me about her life and the people around her and we spoke about our relationship, why she had never been there for me. I let her know that ALL I wanted from her was for her to show interest in my children. I wasn't going to "give a good word for her", which meant that she would have to build up her relationship with my children by approaching them herself. (I hadn't said anything bad either,
I have a lovely grandmother myself and I think it's a fantastic relationship to have)
After that phone call, I haven't heard anything for almost 2 years. Not on my son's 5th birthday, not on my daughter's 2nd birthday, not at Christmas, not at my 35th birthday, not at my son's 6th birthday, not at my daughter's 3rd birthday.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching regarding my mother and around one year ago, I came to the conclusion that I was ok with the fact that we didn't have any relationship. By not contacting her and by giving her "an ultimatum", I had to go through the thought "what if something happens to her during our time of not speaking", and I came to the conclusion that I was at peace with my actions. However hard I was searching within myself, I didn't even miss her. Not one bit. I couldn't even bring myself to be sad by the fact that we didn't have a relationship.
I have had trouble remembering a really good moment between us. We didn't really have any, because she became ill when I was 13. She wasn't interested in me, she never was. She was the kind of mother who was in charge of the school parent association, who started up youth clubs for the children in our village, but funnily enough, she was never there for me. She wasn't interested in who I was. That's probably why it was so hard to realize, that when I had children,
she chose other children before mine.
Anyway, *this is getting long*, about 1week before my birthday, I had the weirdest dream. It wasn't so much as a dream, but a memory, that I was reliving. I dreamed that I was walking beside my mother in a park. When I woke up, I was all emotional and I really remembered how my mother was when I was about 2-4years old. I remember how we walked through the park, holding hands. We were singing and she was smiling and looking at me. I remember that look now. It is such a strong memory for me, and I recognize it. I remember her smile and how she looked at me. Happy.
Maybe she was thinking of me really hard that night, or maybe it's just my love for my own 3year-old daughter, which made me reach into myself and made me able to take this emotional step forward *within myself* in my relationship with my mother. Maybe this text comes out flat, as I am trying to describe my dream, but this is what I came to think of when I saw this week's theme for the Tell and Show.
I've been time travelling and I revisited myself as a 3year old little girl. :)
A couple of days later, she called me on my birthday. The first phone call in 47 months.
We had a really good talk.
To read other Show and Tell contributions this week, look at the following blogs: Nilla,Simone,Anna,Desiree,Annika, Anne,Petra ,Anna-Saltis ,Millan ,AuroraBuddha,Anki,Lullun, Marianne,Victoria,Susanne,Lia,Cecilia,Leopardia, Anne-Marie, Marina, Marie, Strandmamman,
M.K.B , Ulrika, Jemaya, Nina, Kicki, Barbamorsan